


What the Hell, Cas?

by userniko



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Fix-It of Sorts, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:55:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27776482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/userniko/pseuds/userniko
Summary: Dean learns that Castiel is in Heaven too, and is pretty pissed off that he didn't get in touch.Quick insert of the two actually meeting in Heaven during s15e20 because I just... can't
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 90





	What the Hell, Cas?

"Cas helped."

Dean didn't even know how to react to that information. _Why wouldn't he come back to me?  
_ He couldn't think of any plausible reason.

Once he left Bobby to take a drive, he tried to figure it out but just got angry instead.  
 _He's got to have been out for a little while already, to have helped Jack with Heaven. Why wouldn't he come and at least tell me he's okay? Or get Jack to tell me?  
He knows how upset I get when he dies._

It had been so hard to accept that they couldn't get him back. He'd prayed, just in case Cas could hear him, telling him that they were looking for ways to help him, Jack too. Then eventually, that he couldn't find anything, but that he was holding out hope for Jack to succeed. Trying to stay optimistic in his prayers so that he would hold on in the Empty.  
He'd thought about telling him, as time went on and he realized how he felt himself, that he loved him too, but he wanted to say that to the angel's face, not whisper it into the sky not knowing if it was even being heard. It would just hurt too much.  
 _Goddamn it. What the Hell, Cas??_

After a while he instinctively pulled up to a motel. He blinked, wondering why there were motels in Heaven, but realized that he must've conjured one up.  
Dean wasn't in the mood right now to start figuring out his dream home, and motels were what he associated with privacy, safety, somewhere to stop and think.  
He needed that right now. He was still pretty rattled from dying, after all, despite the calming aura of Heaven.  
"Alright." he decided. _I'll just stop here until I think of what I wanna build._  
It was a nice motel, too. Not fancy, but clean, a comfy queen-size bed with Magic Fingers. The minibar was presumably free.  
 _Yeah. Starter heaven._

He grabbed a beer and sat on the armchair, trying to think of what to do. Find Cas? _Yeah, I wanna give that asshole a piece of my mind right now._  
Normally he'd just pray, but... wait, did prayers still work if you were in heaven?  
Well, Dean was about to find out.

He closed his eyes and prayed angrily.

_Dear Castiel, who art in Heaven.... **apparently**... even though you never bothered letting me or Sammy know that. I had to go and get myself killed to find out, and you're not even here to roll out the welcome mat.  
If you can hear this you better get your feathery ass over here with a decent explanation, ASAP, or I'm gonna... I don't even know.  
What the actual **fuck** , Cas? I was so fucking upset that you were actually gone this time, and you got out and just didn't come see me?_

  
"Dean"  
He opened his eyes, shocked that it had actually worked.  
Cas was standing in front of him, more handsome than ever now that he was in his element. He looked surprised and concerned, and, Dean noted, a little nervous.

Dean took a breath. "Okay..." he said with restraint. "Do you have **any** actual explanation for this bullshit? Some kind of... weird Heaven rule that I don't know about, says you can't visit Earth after being in the Empty, or something like that? Cause you better lead with that."  
"No..." Cas started uncertainly. "I thought it would be better if I -"  
"Don't you even say that." Dean interrupted. "Better for WHO? You thought I'd just be fine knowing you're stuck in the Empty, alone??"  
"You... seemed fine." Cas muttered.  
Dean paused. "I seemed fine." he repeated.  
"I got out a couple of months ago." Cas continued cautiously. "And checked in on you and you were... playing with your dog. And going on hunts. You seemed okay. Happy even."  
Dean gaped at him.  
"You slept better than I've seen you do before," Cas continued "And you prayed to tell me that Jack was looking for a way to get me out, but you didn't seem that upset. I thought you... didn't care as much as before. Because of what I said."

Dean stares at him, and huffs out a laugh. "You've gotta be kidding me."

He gets up, pacing a little and taking a swig of his beer. He laughs a little louder, bitterly.

"Why are you laughing?" Cas asks.

Dean shakes his head. "You know, every single time I've lost someone, it's always _"_ Why do you have to drink so much and be so self-destructive, Dean? _"_ , _"_ Why can't you cope in more healthy ways, Dean?". And then the one time I try to do it the 'right' way, you just think it's cause I don't fucking **care**?"

Cas just stands there, with his cute confused expression that Dean would normally find so charming, but frustrates him even more right now.  
"Cat got your tongue?" He asks irritably.

"You just seemed so... well." Cas mumbles.

Dean runs a hand through his hair. "Yeah, well I wasn't doing that well the first couple of months, Cas. Not fucking well at all. Especially when it started looking like there wasn't any way to get you back. I... wanted to die. I almost..."  
"Dean." Cas breathes, shocked.  
"But, yeah... I couldn't leave Sammy alone, you know? Not after all this, after he's lost so much too." Dean continues. "And you. Cas, you sacrificed yourself to keep me alive. I'd be spitting in your face.  
But I couldn't keep walking that line this time, Cas. It felt like standing at the edge of a cliff. There's this feeling that it's pulling you over the edge.  
So I backed away from the edge. I stopped drinking so much. Walked the dog more often. Ate Sam's rabbit food. You wanna know why I slept so good, Cas? I took pills. And I don't mean fun stuff, I mean honest-to-God doctor-prescribed sleeping pills. Antidepressants too."  
Dean laughs bitterly. "Funny 'cause I think those pills are what got me killed, you know. They made me a little slower. Not that much, just enough to matter in a fight, it turns out."

"I didn't realize." Cas says sadly.

"Yeah." Dean scoffs. "Well you didn't ask, did you? Mr _Rusty People Skills_ suddenly decided he's an expert on how people are feeling. God, I'm so -"

Dean grabs Cas by the lapels of his trench coat and gives him a little shake. "I'm so mad at you."

Cas lowers his eyes, looking ashamed. "I understand, I'm sorry Dean. I should have -"

"I'm so goddamn mad at you." Dean says, as he pulls him into a tight hug.

Cas returns the hug after a moment, uncertainly. "Your words conflict with your actions."

"No, they don't." Dean says into his shoulder. "I'm mad and I'm also so glad you're okay."

"Oh." Cas says, relaxing a little. They stand together, and Dean rubs small circles into Cas's back until he feels his anger and stress finally melt away into tiredness. Emotional tiredness, anyway, this being Heaven and all.

"Cas?" He says.  
:Yes, Dean?"  
"I love you too."

Cas pulls back and looks in his eyes. "Do you mean that you love me like a friend, or do you -"

Dean interrupts him with a kiss. Cas stiffens for a moment, then returns it enthusiastically.  
" _Dean_." he gasps. "I didn't think you felt the same way."  
"Well I'm apparently an idiot who didn't know he swings both ways." Dean mutters between kisses. "It took you saying it for me to start realizing what this feeling was."  
Cas's brow wrinkles. "I've observed you for years. You've looked at many men lustfully -"  
"you mean I checked them out, I know." Dean groans.  
"- and engaged in suggestive banter -"  
"flirting, and yes I've realized."  
"- and -"  
"Shut up and kiss me, angel." Dean insists.

They end up lying on the bed, Dean's arms still wrapped tightly around Cas. He can't bear to let go yet.  
:"You mind if I take a nap?" Dean says.  
"You don't require sleep in Heaven." Cas states.  
"No, but it feels right, right now." Dean answers. "I don't need to eat either but I'm gonna do it anyway, too."  
"Alright." Cas says, "I'll wait here."  
"You better." Dean mumbles. "Need to hold onto you for a while. Till it feels like you're not going away."  
"Never again, Dean." Cas promises.  
"Damn straight."

Dean drifts off, Cas's arms still around him.


End file.
